I am a lighthouse.

Apparently, my blog turns one today?

Ever since I was told I was the maid of honor it never made me feel excited in the sense that I should be feeling honored that my friend thought I deserved that title. And it was partly due to money and how, at the time, I didn’t know what I was going to do for the bachelorette party and the cost involved. However, on a deeper level, it’s not just about money or planning a party. These are superficial in the sense that they only mask the true problem at hand. Truthfully, I haven’t been happy with my romantic life. I haven’t met anyone, until recently, that actually could have potential. Two years I spent in a relationship that was damaging to my confidence and to my ability to trust, and when that ended I found myself not wanting another relationship for fear that it’s going to be exactly the same. I’ve tried to break out of the habit of not expecting anything great to happen. Time and again, however, I kept fucking things up because of it. I don’t know what it is to love someone genuinely because it has never happened. As much as I try to exude “I’m fine, I don’t need anyone,” the truth of the matter is that I would like someone in my life. Not that I need them to complete me, ironically, everything else is taking off (they’ve trusted me with opening shifts at work) and I enjoy my job. It’s gotten me to be more outgoing. Until then I’ve had to rely on social media to make me feel as though I could connect with others. It’s a pleasant change. But now it’s time to find someone who understands and accepts me, who will appreciate my company for what it is. I don’t want to keep pretending that I don’t need the same kind of love or respect my friend has gotten. It’s hurting my perception of how she feels about getting married, maybe indirectly, but all the same - I am tired of being cynical. It has brought more hurt than resolve.

I introduced someone to Punch Brothers last night.

:)